Freeing Myself From The Hand of Fate
On an early morning in 1999, as I was sitting with my oldest daughter Noelle having breakfast, I suddenly had a vision.
I saw how Noelle would lose more and more of her impactful light.
I saw a woman who traded her power and creativity for belonging and love.
I saw a silenced woman who lost the ability to speak up for herself and for others.
If this were to play out, it would mean she would follow in my exact footsteps. I was devastated.
I manifested the dream life that I thought was exactly what I wanted, but actually, it wasn’t the case. I was so proud that I had a promising career, a family with 3 children, a handsome, successful husband, a beautiful home in the best area of Aken, Germany. It really was a storybook life. I was so proud that I created this because it meant that I was better than my alcoholic mom; doing a better job as a mom.
However, even though I had this storybook life, on the inside I felt deeply depressed, trying to be all things to all people. I demonstrated strength on the outside, always trying to fix things or people. But the truth is that I was terrified of feeling the weakness that was underneath all that pretended strength.
I would wake up every morning feeling nothing but shame and self-doubt and I had no idea where this came from. Every day was a struggle. I had to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. Just brushing my teeth and my hair was a struggle. As well as my internal stuff there was so much explosive stuff with my kids and my husband that I wanted to resolve, but couldn’t. As much as I didn’t want to fight with them, I couldn’t stop myself.
I hadn’t cried for eight years. I experienced life from a distance, feeling alienated. Emotional outbursts seemingly came from nowhere and they did nothing but drain my loved ones and me. I turned to therapy, doctors, books, really ANYTHING to find the answers to what true love really feels like. I wanted a way out of conflict. I wanted to experience and share more love in my life. Nothing made sense to me. I was terrified walking along a dangerous abyss.
“What the hell is wrong with me?” I asked myself a thousand times.
I knew I had a big mission and was meant to live a purposeful life.
I decided that I was going to do whatever it took to figure out my relationship conflicts and how Noelle and my other two children could live truly happy and fulfilling lives.
“It is never too late to lead a happy life,” I thought.
As soon as I realized I had to make a change, both for myself and my children, signs started appearing. A woman’s circle led to a shamanic journey, until one day, I found myself led by two powerful female shamans in a family constellations session. Shamans are the oldest healers in the world.
I had never heard about this process before, but I was instantly fascinated with it. Family constellations are a healing modality that illuminates energetic patterns between family members. This modality is also highly successful for business and organizational challenges.
Through this process, I was able to connect with my mother, my father, and my grandparents.
As if it were magic, the patterns that were previously invisible to me, emerged right in front of my eyes.
The pattern was that all women in my family died young. There was a story of abandonment through death at an early age that had been hidden in plain sight. This pattern of young death and being broken from a mother’s love was what was passed down in my family. As a result, I felt terror and anxiety in my body.
I was shocked to realize that I followed the same path out of love and hidden loyalty to the women who came before me.
For years, I thought there was something wrong with me but at this moment, I realized that I had simply been entangled in an invisible web of familial ties.
I began to understand why my mom had been an alcoholic; - it was seemingly her only option to deal with the dramatic loss of her mother and the losses previous women had encountered. The way I resolved this was to say specific healing sentences and make internal as well as external movements towards these women.
Right after the constellation, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my soul. Something had dramatically shifted. During the following week, I knew that I was changed for the better. I didn’t feel as depressed anymore and the shame and guilt had vanished.
Off to this deeply powerful, moving, and impactful experience I was called to do this work for others and I decided to become a constellation specialist myself.
The two powerful women became my mentors and took me on as their apprentice. I felt held by an unwavering love from them. They respectfully acknowledged and accepted my talents, my gifts, and my limitations. Over the next seven years, I was trained and initiated into being a shaman and family constellation facilitator. It was the most powerful and adventurous experience of my life.
Within the first year, my mentors repeatedly helped me to redirect my attention to my own core, my own needs, and my own abilities. I learned to fill and care for myself. I discovered that my essence is enough. Through connecting with nature and doing ceremonies alone, I experienced the divine source filling and supporting me. I resolved negative patterns, entanglements, and conflicts within my family system. I began to mourn the early death of my parents when I was a teenager. I faced my experience of deeply destructive mothering in my childhood, and abandonment.
At the beginning of my healing journey, I started healing the broken bond with my mother by grieving her loss, all while still breastfeeding my youngest at the beginning of my healing journey.
As a result, I felt more alive and comfortable in my own skin than I ever had in my life. I started enjoying my own company. I claimed my womanhood by opening myself up for more receiving, instead of overgiving in order to get. I stopped seeing myself essentially through the eyes of others, using my children as hostages for numbing my uncomfortable feelings.
I began to appreciate life more deeply. I gave myself permission to acknowledge my own needs and expressed them more easily. All life felt easier to me. I was more able to handle challenging situations.
I took time to paint, create felt-art and write. I had my first art exhibition. I wrote and published my first book without feeling guilty for taking time off from my family.
I became more clear in all my relationships, expressing myself more fully, setting clear boundaries without the old well-known fear of abandonment and rejection. I cherished my relationships more than I could have ever imagined.
Instead of connecting with my children through merging with them, I learned to be attentive towards their real needs, because I learned to nourish myself first.
What a ride! The transformation happened in such a short time that people who witnessed it wanted to work with me to achieve similar results just as quickly in a short period of time.
My journey taught me that we inherit not only our looks from our ancestors but also their soul-wounds, unresolved trauma, and symptoms that we believe are ours. If we keep indulging in a state of low frequency, we pass it on to the next generations.
The latest epigenetic research tells us that when a trauma happens, a chemical change happens in our DNA. And that can change how our genes function, sometimes for generations. And the way our genes are affected can change how we act or feel. For example, we can become sensitive or reactive to situations that are similar to the original trauma.
If our parents were born in a war-torn country, they could pass forward a skill-set of sharper reflexes, reaction times to deal with the trauma that they experienced. And these gene changes can be harmful to our bodies. They are the culprit. We are now learning that they can be transmitted to our children and to their children. But this does not have to continue.
We don’t choose what we inherit, but we choose what we pass on.
It’s up to us what experience we want our children to have. Instead of indulging in our negativity just because we can, we must have consideration for those we love.
We have more power and influence to shape the reality of the next generations than we realize. We ARE power.
Our ancestors want to heal, and they want their children and future generations to heal. They are willing to help us become the best, healthiest, most prosperous, most loving, and happiest people in the world.
Today I receive great joy from witnessing the beautiful and rich life of my daughter Noelle. She is in a loving and committed relationship with a strong partner who supports her dreams.
I see her being happy and living a full life.
I see her having her own happy family soon.
I see her being a wonderful and loving mother to her future children.
I started this journey hoping to free my daughter of her fate. As I continued, I freed myself.
I keep going, now having freed thousands of families around the world from intergenerational trauma, so they too can experience healthy relationships, peace, and harmony in all aspects of life.